Actually, just kidding. It is my wife.

In spite of my lambasting her for wasting time, money and energy sitting for the Registered Diplomate Reporter exam while spending nary a nanosecond studying, Susan Perry Miller is an RDR. The story goes that a court reporting instructor years ago told Suse that she'd never make it in this profession. Those acquainted with my wife will find no difficulty believing that her quest for court reporting's brass ring was fueled entirely by her desire to make this nameless, all-but-forgotten meatsack eat a lethal dose of crow. Hell, I've been reminding her I don't think she can cook for a couple years now, but my comments haven't been met with the same ardent desire to prove me wrong.

It's amazing how often court reporting instructors get it wrong. Had you asked any of the teachers at the Stenograph Institute of Texas what they thought of me, certainly the consensus would have been "loud-mouthed, know-it-all egomaniac with a God complex" -- well, maybe sometimes they're right...

Regardless, without calling out any names, if you went to Capital City Careers in Austin during the mid '80s and know under which rock to find an instructor with the initials D.B., tell her Sue's doin' just fine.

"You're the luckiest man in the world. There is, believe me, Gentlemen, nothing sexier on earth than a woman you have to salute in the morning." - Jack Nicholson as Colonel Nathan R. Jessep, "A Few Good Men"

Well, I knew it was just a matter of time before something someone else posted on my website would draw criticism. I mean, hell, nothing I say could ever be construed as offensive, inflammatory or libelous, right?

I just want to take this opportunity to thank the anonymous, mouth-breathing, chickens*#t, infantile jagoff commie pinko bastard who thought it proper to post an open classified ad on my site stating a certain reporter, by name no less, doesn't pay their bills. More importantly, my already spam-choked inbox would like to thank you, for now, as a direct result of your desire to pee in the pool in which the rest of us routinely swim, I have to approve every ad that gets submitted, lest I get my ass sued for your slanderous comments. After pulling a depo double-header, one of which included doctor and counsel comparing notes about scrotal injury -- yes, I said "scrotal injury" -- cases past and present, I didn't relish having to come home and clean up your mess.

I've often thought how great it would be to have an online database of deadbeat attorneys, and I'm sure many of you scopists would like to know if the reporter who just sent you a 300-page Turkish urologist is also going to send you a check at some point down the road; but there's just no way to substantiate the claims, so I've quelled the urge to get into that sordid business. Don't drag me into it against my will!!!

"Let nobody speak mischief of anybody." -- Plato

Ordinarily I'd channel all my sarcasm and bile into depoblog, but today my focus was redirected to my public comment submission to the CRCB regarding the 10-pitch change. The deadline is December 31st, so if you haven't officially spoken up on your opposition to the changes in Section 5.1 of the UFM, download the form, fill it out, send it in!

If anyone's looking for a muse to inspire their words, here's my comment submission:

"I oppose the current change as stated to 10 pitch in Section 5.1 of the UFM. First and foremost, this change impairs the readability of my work product by both counsel and the judiciary, primarily when presented in four-to-a-page condensed formatting.

"Additionally, the 10% increase in page capacity will necessitate a commensurate increase in court reporting fees, a rather unpopular concept during the age of tort reform in Texas. A rate hike prompted by this specious rule change serves no higher purpose for counsel, for parties, nor for court reporters.

"In its prior iteration, the UFM accomplished its intended purpose, to protect litigants from being gouged by a minority of court reporters who engaged in certain narrow questionable practices. The '9 or 10 pitch' debacle is simply a change for change's sake which strays far afield from that core intent."

I've also been pretty brazen about getting clients, friends, family and the hippie that sells the Houston Chronicle outside the donut shop to send in their thoughts. I can't imagine one single, solitary person is submitting slips in favor of the change, but it's my view that the [expletive deleted] bureaucrat(s) that caused this mess should be forced to read nay votes until they weep like Tammy Faye Baker.

"The future of this republic is in the hands of the American voter." -- Dwight D. Eisenhower