Happy Holidays from O.J. + depoman.com

"The only thing that endures is character. Fame and wealth -- all that is illusion. All that endures is character." -- O.J. Simpson (ironic, ain't it?)

I like to consider myself an early adopter. I bought a CD player for $500 in 1986, a choice which necessitated my dining on ramen noodle soup for the entirety of my freshman year at the University of Texas; I splurge on a new laptop every 18 months whether I need one or not, and I always want the newest, most up-to-date software I can get my hands on. That said, I sat on the fence for most of the rollout of caseCATalyst4, waiting for an ebb in the tide of profanity levied by my truly early-adopting wife at the early cuts of the software.

I'm happy to say that the later releases of "4" do constitute an improvement over my heretofore favorite version, 3.1, so if you've been suffering from CPS (CATalyst Paperweight Syndrome, the condition when your software update sits shrinkwrapped on a corner of your desk for more than six months), you can and should migrate to at least the first fully updated release of CAT4 at a minimum...

But given the alternative, go right to the head of the class with caseCATalyst4 version 5. With this newest version, they've fixed everything I hated about 4 and even invented some new timesavers I couldn't have imagined. The AudioSync is always spot on with the text, the conflict resolution is smarter than I am, and the medical spellcheck dictionaries have kept my copy of Dorland's collecting dustbunnies on my bookshelf. My absolute favorite feature of version 5 is the Fill-In-Fields. The appearance page has always been my nemesis, but with this new bell and/or whistle, I can throw in attorney apps with one click, minimizing the likelihood that I'm gonna botch something major.

Will caseCATalyst4 version 5 make you a realtime writer overnight, as certain other CAT vendors claim? Hell no. To be honest, any claim that software will make you a realtimer is specious at best and downright bulls#%t at its worst. The best conflict-resolving AI in the world ain't gonna fix what you can't write. It took me and every other realtimer in the world years to hone our skills, and I'd wager they'd all agree that, other than accurately tranning the strokes sent from their machine, their software had little to do with it.

Is CAT4 v.5 the best, most stable software on the market right now? Absolutely. Will the time savings of migrating outweigh any learning curve? With all the improvements, it has to. I know changing software ranks between Pakistani neurologists and hemorrhoids on the master list of court reporters' favorite things, but suck it up, quit whining, play through the pain, (insert sports cliche here), and just do it!

"Technology: No Place for Wimps!" -- Scott Adams, Dilbert

Yeah, I know this one's been around for a while, but when it got e-mailed to me again this morning, I thought its biting sarcasm made it an essential addition to the blog. Only wish I could take credit for penning it in the first place...

GUIDELINES FOR ATTORNEYS - Rules for Keeping Court Reporters Happy

1. Rush through the door at the last minute and start the proceedings without introducing yourself. Everyone knows an important person like you anyway and appreciates that you were able to show up at all.

2. Don't bother to enunciate clearly or project your voice. Reporters can read your lips. They especially like it if you mumble when reading from documents. It is good for their ego, as it makes them feel multilingual.

3. For similar reasons, always remember to start speaking the moment the reporter begins marking exhibits, changing paper, etc., as it makes them feel ambidextrous.

4. Talk as fast as you can, preferably outshouting the other lawyers. This makes you seem even more important than you really are.

5. Ignore the reporter when they ask you to repeat or spell a name. If you know what you said, then they should, too.

6. Do not aggravate the reporter by asking if they need a break or a drink of water. These things are not necessities since reporting duties are mostly automatic, similar to the functions of a robot.

7. Never consult the reporter when deciding to work late into the night. They will be insulted if you thought they had any family or social life commitments other than working with you.

8. Don't mistake the reporter's lifeless gaze as an indication of boredom. They are actually deeply absorbed by the intricacies of your 10-minute hypothetical.

9. Please spend a lot of time off the record telling war stories. Your tales are fascinating. In fact, you should write a book. No one thinks you're wasting time.

10. If the reporter bolts out the door as soon as the deposition is over, they are simply eager to get home and relive the experience while transcribing and proofreading your words.

11. Read extensive medical reports into the record at breakneck speeds while mumbling over the unimportant parts. This gives the reporter an invigorating workout. To enhance the effect, do not identify the reports as exhibits.

12. There is no need to waste your time calling the reporter when a deposition is canceled. They will appreciate the opportunity of visiting your office and then having the rest of the day off.

13. After the deposition is over, always spend some time trying to persuade the reporter that your client is right and that your adversary is a no good S.O.B. Everyone knows that once the reporter is in your corner, your case is as good as won.

14. Since the reporter is so anxious for you to win your case, they would prefer if you take as long as possible to pay their bill. In fact, they will be insulted if you pay the bill in less than six months.

"Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?" -- Dick Clark

Just covered a couple jobs in Houston for a New York reporting firm. I usually grit my teeth and mutter obscenities when a firm wants jobs done in their format, but not when it's a colleague from the Big Apple. The hours of margin tweaking, tab massaging and header fondling -- hmmm, feeling a little frisky now -- is more than compensated for by the fact that, when all is said and done, there's hardly any room on the page for the testimony.

For the uninitiated, from what I can tell, it is standard practice in New York to eat up Line 1 on every page with the witness' name; to allow about five inches max for the text box; and, best of all, to wedge colloquy between tertiary margins so narrow that if someone uttered "hydroxyacetylaminofluorene," your CAT system would lock up in an infinite loop trying to find a spot to squeeze it in. Haven't you always wanted to find a way to charge extra for counsel bickering back and forth? Cram their colloquy into an 18-character line and you've basically tripled the page rate for as long as they want to engage in urination contests on the record.

I've always understood that court reporting is a union gig in NY, though I have no actual info to back that up. Someone please correct me if I'm wrong. Regardless, it's inspiring that this "reporter friendly" page format, used and accepted by the majority, not just a renegade few, has survived the test of time and hasn't been outlawed by a committee of tyrranical busybodies looking to impose their will on the rest of the world.

By the way, if you haven't ordered your "I complied with the Texas Uniform Format Manual and all I got was this lousy T-shirt" shirt, check out depo•schwag, my online store.

"Sarcasm, the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded." -- Feodor Dostoevsky

Attendees of my seminars have likely heard my claim that my primary editing location is the nearest Starbucks while jacked in wirelessly to the net. This is not exaggeration. I'm more hooked on the Intnernet access than I am the caffeine, if that's possible.

For those of you interested in joining me for latte-enabled scoping, first you need a PC card for your laptop. I highly recommend the 3Com model, as it's the only one I've found with a retractable antenna. I have a collection of those damn gray Socket serial card dongles that I've mangled, so one less thing to snap, rip or grind off my laptop is a great thing!

Step two is to find a location that offers access. Currently you can find WiFi at many airports, damn near every Starbucks in Harris County, and I saw an ad the other day that Marriott Courtyards now come with free unwired net. If you're curious where the nearest AP (or access point) is, Intel Corporation has now established a worldwide WiFi database. Yeah, where was that six months ago when I was wandering the streets of central London trying to e-mail my scopist?

Lastly, I must give credit to Kaveh Kanes Coffee in downtown Houston. They were the first location on the Texas Gulf Coast to set up free wireless access for their patrons, they make one mean chai tea, and your ass will thank you for every second you leave it in the leather chair by the front door. Definitely check them out on Prairie between Travis and Main.

"My favorite thing about the Internet is that you get to go into the private world of real creeps without having to smell them."-- Penn Jillette