Yeah, I know this one's been around for a while, but when it got e-mailed to me again this morning, I thought its biting sarcasm made it an essential addition to the blog. Only wish I could take credit for penning it in the first place...

GUIDELINES FOR ATTORNEYS - Rules for Keeping Court Reporters Happy

1. Rush through the door at the last minute and start the proceedings without introducing yourself. Everyone knows an important person like you anyway and appreciates that you were able to show up at all.

2. Don't bother to enunciate clearly or project your voice. Reporters can read your lips. They especially like it if you mumble when reading from documents. It is good for their ego, as it makes them feel multilingual.

3. For similar reasons, always remember to start speaking the moment the reporter begins marking exhibits, changing paper, etc., as it makes them feel ambidextrous.

4. Talk as fast as you can, preferably outshouting the other lawyers. This makes you seem even more important than you really are.

5. Ignore the reporter when they ask you to repeat or spell a name. If you know what you said, then they should, too.

6. Do not aggravate the reporter by asking if they need a break or a drink of water. These things are not necessities since reporting duties are mostly automatic, similar to the functions of a robot.

7. Never consult the reporter when deciding to work late into the night. They will be insulted if you thought they had any family or social life commitments other than working with you.

8. Don't mistake the reporter's lifeless gaze as an indication of boredom. They are actually deeply absorbed by the intricacies of your 10-minute hypothetical.

9. Please spend a lot of time off the record telling war stories. Your tales are fascinating. In fact, you should write a book. No one thinks you're wasting time.

10. If the reporter bolts out the door as soon as the deposition is over, they are simply eager to get home and relive the experience while transcribing and proofreading your words.

11. Read extensive medical reports into the record at breakneck speeds while mumbling over the unimportant parts. This gives the reporter an invigorating workout. To enhance the effect, do not identify the reports as exhibits.

12. There is no need to waste your time calling the reporter when a deposition is canceled. They will appreciate the opportunity of visiting your office and then having the rest of the day off.

13. After the deposition is over, always spend some time trying to persuade the reporter that your client is right and that your adversary is a no good S.O.B. Everyone knows that once the reporter is in your corner, your case is as good as won.

14. Since the reporter is so anxious for you to win your case, they would prefer if you take as long as possible to pay their bill. In fact, they will be insulted if you pay the bill in less than six months.

"Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?" -- Dick Clark