The "Don't Ever Freakin' Call Me Again, You Fatherless Scumbag!" List

I put telemarketers just above pedophiles and directly below the guy from Limp Bizkit on my list of hopeful dates for Mike Tyson at the next Cell Block 4 Sadie Hawkins dance. I'm well aware that anonymously pitching insurance and cheap long distance is the only thing standing between this nation's hardcore unemployable masses and the welfare line, but when it comes to eating an uninterrupted meal at home or sleeping late on Saturday, I really don't care. If the best job you can get is listening to me bark insults at you as I slam the phone down, might be time to consider a trip back to high school, Cletus.

I cheered the creation of the Federal Do Not Call List and absolutely applaud the U.S. Congress for expeditiously passing legislation to put the two publicity-hungry jag-off judges that tried to stall the List in their place. Hey, I'm from Texas, home of the Magnificent Vanishing Democrats and a governor with TV-evangelist hair who calls self-serving special sessions more often than he breaks wind. When Government finally steps up and does something in my best interest, I'm eternally thankful.

I'm a huge fan of the First Amendment -- it's what allows me to publicly refer to Federal Judges as "jag-offs" -- but to argue that some crackhead peddling timeshares has a Constitutional right to interrupt my family's quality time is an insult to us all.

Now if I can just find a way to convince the spammers I won't need Viagra for another couple years...

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." - Johnny Carson